Chapter 9:To confess or not to

It should be the middle or the end of the chapter d ^^V
I’m yeaa.. feeling so called okay, but well sure still do think of her from time to time. =)

Hah, I wonder how’s she doing still…

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Before the day

I came to realize that, well…
seems that she really is the one that would be “perfect” for me.
Why ” “, not because I don’t mean it.. but is for her sake.

Among all the girls that I felt for, she’s the only one whom I would say really unique.
She’s the most unique traits that I really like about her is she really can stand out of the crowd and stand firm of her own thoughts, opinion and so on.
Py has that too… but NAH…
Py may blog it out always claims how she goes against the flow,
but well at the end what people say still matters so much to her.

Well, I never get to be really this close to a girl whom I really like for a at least half a year.
Xue was the first… again. haha.

All I ever felt was, Xue will always somehow can cheer me up every single phone call, be it whether I’m in a happy, bored, sad mode.
Cause there’s just almost ANYTHING we could talk about.

Except for anything relating to Maths or maybe Physics xDxD.

Well, she’s a designer material, she has to be creative =D
Creative people will tend to come with creative thoughts and conversation.
Never get to really like a creative girl like her anymore..

Although there’s this so called laziness in her, lol everytime when she mentioned the word lazy.. I’ll go like “O okay, whatever”.
Cause how lazy she’ll be, if that is important she’ll do it.

Considering….

I really do felt that, she could be the first girl that I really like that would still be my side even if she has not even a tiny bit of feelings for me.

I really do felt that, warm, friendliness, supportive aura from her all the time.

I, in fact was so grateful to have her as my good companion to share my thoughts with after… 2 girls who cause me great horrifying impact.
So in my heart, I thought that.. well…
I can see the future that, Xue and I will at least do something significant with me when the time we are at our pro career.
Then come thinking of how I would mention about her when I’m successful.

Well of course did think of the part where I really wish for is..
Yea be together and share the victory together.

Nice dream eh…

So.. is been at least almost a year or so I kept that feeling,
and I was thinking to myself, why not try telling her.

Again. I was afraid to do so.
Is not because of fear of rejection, is because of fear of events happening again.

“Everytime when I confess to a girl my feelings, if that girl just has no feelings for me, GONE, friends also cannot become just like how it was.”

I was really really really afraid of that.

So yea, I remember very well that I message Hui Wen, and Jia En, and maybe Kuzu… and my precious “mei” I think.
I remember Hui Wen was like saying the same thing,
“Aren’t you afraid after it become like Poh Nee and Pei Yi.”

I said. “I do.”
“But no matter what at the end of the day, she will also know, be it I confess or not.”

Yea..
I did visualize ahead.
Like okay, she knows it, and don’t know how and why and then avoid me.
She knows it, things still remain usual, we still be good friends.
She knows it, and sooner or later, magic happens =)

3 outcome.

Well yea.. I do thought of so called playing safe..
Keeping it very long.. till she’s with someone, and then I’ll just leave her silently.

Then I told myself,
why keep it?

Just let it out, is much better this way, cause if I keep on keeping it this way, is like really hard for me, cause is like there’s always something that is stuck with me that I want to let it out but can’t.

To put it in a simple situation, “You want to shit but the shit cannot come out”.

THAT WAS THE SHIT FEELING.

I then consider again, yea is true, Xue and I at least 1 year of knowing each other adi, things should be alrite I guess..
So then I start to so called prepare what I wanted to say to her.
Then informed her that yea, I wanted to call her on a Friday night.
That will be the date I will confess to her.

I actually planned that I would go and meet her, few years later, and tell it to her face to face.
But oh well………. I don’t think I can keep on keeping that feelings for really long =/

The day itself
I still remember, it was AFTER Woe in RO.

I think you can say I was really stupid after you read finish this entry

I gather all my guts, press numbers by numbers..
Hearing the Italk operator again.

“Dial Destination Number, or press star for menu”

When she pick up,
I heard a really sweet and soft “hello”.

Gets me even more nervous…
Then I wanted to say out my sentence,
but she was concentrating on her RO =.=

That’s make me even more nervous.

Then I began to think,
“SHIT, I think she knows. I think I rather not tell.”

Lol, all of this sudden want to U-turn.

But I remember I was hang gei and I think I mentioned this.
“Xue, I want to tell you something, is very important.. and maybe it might change things.”

She was so called questioned, but her response was like
“Huh” or “How”.
Lol, I’ve too much experience of how people act blur until each time when people is blur or acting blur I someone always tend to able to judge it.

But well her blur was convincingly “ACT BLUR”.
I hate it when people act blur.
But acting blur is a really good way to avoid things.
Because acting blur could always end with this 3 words I hate the most.

“I don’t know.”

So she get me even more nervous, but so called concentrating on the come, reading chats out loud, so since she’s not really concentrating, I went “Can pause the game for while or not.”

Then she said “Okay, I pause for while d, what you want to say.”

But her “pause for while” didn’t even convince me to, as I still could feel that she was into the RO, or you know… attention was not diverge to me.

So fine, I told her I called back.
Why?
Because that time I really stomach ache =.=

So after doing business already, I called back again.

Guess what?
She didn’t pick up.
I call and call and call for maybe 20 times 30 times?
No answer.

Eventually I got really frustrated, I leave her a message asking her why must she do so.

Her reply was “I went to brush my teeth, I put my phone on silent mode, then I went upstairs, never hear your phone call”

I believe it, even with doubts, I really DID believe it.
For the Xue that I trust so much, I BELIEVE SUCH EXCUSES THAT LOOKS SO FAKE.

I remember I replied, “You know I would call back right, why must you do so.”

Then somehow, this thing so called “resolved” by I just don’t bother about it, she just don’t bother about it.
Do I have a choice? I don’t think so.
I would really wish that she could tell me the real honest answer,
but whether that is real or fake I have no evidence to prove it.

Cause I’m in Malaysia and She’s in Singapore,
unless her sis so good will tell me.

Sohem.

That wasn’t the first time she actually so called ffk-ed my call.
But o well, what I do?
I just.. “O okay la since you say sorry, then forget it lor.”

What I meant by ffk-ed is yeaa..
Infrom earlier, promise already this time will call, when call never pick up.

The next day

Ok, maybe yesterday was a failure, so how about today.

On the another hand,
there was something I didn’t really highlight on is.
There’s this dude name Gary aka Spear that so called was her RO bf,
so I actually wanted to know whether are they real life couple or just RO couple.

KNOWING SUCH INFORMATION IS A MUST FOR ME, cause if is RL couple then no point la I go confess.

But I just don’t know why, Jia En..
the one whom I trust, who KNOWS the true fact, would actually hide such stuff from me because Xue told her not to tell me.
But the fact is, is quite a must for me to know cause if is true then I go confess HOW?

But okay, she didn’t tell.
So I wasn’t sure.

In the end, on that day itself.
I actually saw some of the chats Xue,Spear,Jia En was talking.

All I could remember was this

JE: Aiyaa he’s pm-ing me again
Xue: Harrr.. how would he feel if he knows.
Spear: I am your bf, right?
Xue: Yea lol.
JE: So how?
Xue: Don’t let him know lor.
Spear: Why dun let him know..

And so on….

Lol, I was DUAL-ing window.
I don’t know whether they knew about this or not.

But oh well..
Seeing that Xue was so reluctant to let me know.
I only could accept data that.. yea is true then.
Impossible you want me to go ask Xue, eh is Spear your RL bf?

I wanted to be like that, but I’m sure all of you would say “Waa is not that nice ler like that.”

So then yea.
Stupidly I go MSN tell her what I planned to say.

I remember…
I did mentioned, Thank You for being there for me for a year+
But I think today will be the last day you will see the happy me talking to you.

I do not know whether she was really blur or act blur but she said
“Har what happen? Tian Pei Yi stuff again ar? or you got cancer arr?”

“No, is about you.”
“I’ve actually planned to tell you this in a few years time, when I can be in SG most of the time, “Xue I like you.” “
“But I’m afraid is too late, your already with someone.”
“I don’t really wish to lose you as a friend.”

I remember I was so emo on that night that, I pm-ed Wooi Quan in RO, and went to mamak to have coffee before msn-ing her.

But actually, the results was rather funny.

She said.
“LOL, don’t make me laugh.”
Saying that yea they were actually just RO couples.

Well I know, that dude himself has a RL gf.
But doesn’t mean that they could still be together right?

So yea there’s also chance though.

I end up, being so stupid to tell it in MSN again. =.=
Because the one who knows, NEVER tell me the real fact.

So what was my real line that I want to say is like this.

“Xue, after today things might change.
But before things change, I would like to say that, I’m really grateful to have you by my side as a friend. Thank you so much for that.
I really do like you, and I wish that I won’t lose you as a friend even if things don’t turn out well.”

I wanted to say it.
But I didn’t.
So she end our conversation telling me,
“Not to worry much, and yea she did say now you can sleep in peace now.”

NEVER in my life, I would ever receive such comforting words tho.

Again… Xue was the first that I know, who knows how to generate many. ^^V
Next chapter I would write about how it went well for a long period of time. Then how it end. =)

Finally the chapters are ending too. lol

Chapter 8:To think about it…

I’ve updated chapter 7,
yea I’m trying to do double entry for today.

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To think about it…
We were close for actually more than 2 years.
I get to know her before my SPM, which is 3 years ago.
It was end of the year, so means its before November.
We started to spend time with each other frequently since December 2007. It ends March 2009.

2 years…
How could it all changed till like this.

To think about it..
She was actually that girl who gets sick often.
I actually fail to convince her how to be healthy.
I also fail to make her to be more healthy.
I don’t know whether she is healthier now or not, I sure do.
But I remember, she told me that her eyes was weak, that it went for operation.
Main concern was her low blood pressure.
Every now and then, when she tells me her story or situation about it,
I always wished I could do something.
But end up, all I can do was just saying a few lines that doesn’t makes her healthier like “Rest more.” =.=
And also…
the most I can do is giving her Iron pills for her low blood pressure on her birthday, hoping that she’ll take it which obviously she won’t.
I wish.. there would be someone who can convince but sadly that person doesn’t exist.

To think about it…
She was that unique girl that I really really like..
That would stands in front of the crowd and say it out loud,
“Hey! I’m different!”
I thought that I actually found someone who actually appreciate uniqueness, but as time goes by, I guess that her is disappearing.
Every since she got into NAFA, she start to be affected greatly on what people would say and would really give up things that are unique that is in her.
That is the girl I truely miss talking to.

To think about it…
I actually spend more good times than bad times with Xue,
but as time goes by if things remain like this.
It will be the other way round. Hahahahah

To think about it…
I don’t know why I so noob, would willing to call her using IDD, and stupidly didn’t really mind that she NEVER call back once at all.
I guess this is the point where she can say we weren’t close at all
I was so noob, accepting that, aiyaa Xue got one style..
Is call the lazy to do all the mafan stuff.. buying IDD just to call me =.=
But nah, I should actually think this way..
If it was for other better guys, I think she will.
But each time I get my IDD, I was really excited to call her..
sometimes call halfway, then IDD finish then I say “You wait arr I go buy IDD first”.
Hah, sohai… I so called close with her, never even ask her am I the only Malaysian who calls her this often?

BUT….. I remember I did ask her…
whether does she mind that I call this often.
She said it was fine, I’m convince so.
Because at that time I still remember, she was the Xue, who was happy go lucky, always ponteng class, sleep late, repeat the word sien very frequent but after we chat she no more say sien liao =D

To think about it…
I also… don’t know when it actually started.
When things started to change.
I couldn’t see.
My sense was blind believing that she IS the Xue that will be a supporting close friend of mine no matter what.
But I just don’t understand when did it actually happen when things started to turn upside down.

To think about it….
the next entry is gonna be… moments of the time where I actually confess my feelings to her, in a sad way.
I actually felt disappointed that I didn’t get a chance to say it confidently out loud, followed by saying..
I know it might be hard to accept, but I wish that no matter what happen you’ll still be there for me.

To think about it….
I’ve been wanting to be in Singapore always since 2 years ago..
which lies only one purpose.. which is for her.
To aim to go Singapore, become a Singaporean,
leaving Malaysia behind where my friends are.. where the foods are..
where the cheaper stuff are… where the traffic jams are..
It was during age 19 where my STPM is already approaching I started to wish that I could get into NUS.

NUS.. siao.
All my friends who got at least 3A’s made it there.
I end up failing Math, resiting Foundation Course.
Which is a real sad sad sad sad sad sad thing.
So that’s why now the moment I see my friends are in NUS, all I could tell myself is.. I only have one final chance to make it.
Not to SG, as for now, since no more Xue, I don’t think Sg is my ideal place.

She’s aiming to be a fashion designer and no need to say, Japan is her main aim.
Surprisingly the field that I’m into, Japan also very hot into it.
Japan so big, I don’t think we will be fated to meet.
So now yea that’s my main aim which is Japan, where I might be IDT General’s a.k.a Mac Chang rival.
But that’s like really LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way to go.
What I meant was not the duration, is the moments of me working hard for it. Xue used to be able to be a boost for me, like how the Hitman Reborn shoot the gun to Tsuna head then got fire.
Now.. bo liao… =D

To think about it…
I myself never expect this.
I thought such thing will never happen.
But it still happens ^^V

Chapter 7:I don’t know…

Is already been about half a year.
From March till now…
To be honest, for now many memories with her are like already fading, so it should be a good sign. But surely from time to time I’ll be reminded, even a simple thing could remind me of her.

I still have a few more stuff to let it out,
that is why the chapter doesn’t end so fast yet.
But each time I can use the comp, instead of blogging or do what should be done, I’ll go into my games instead.

P/S: Online games will greatly remind me of her, as there is where I get to know her. I’m still in touch with online game, so imagine that.

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She was…

A real supportive friend..
that is why until today I still feel that I’ll lost a real great support.
I just had no idea..
How did we actually became so close then and end up like this.

Our conversation always went right, even not right also end up right,
I remember asking her this, “how come you never show me your not good mood side of yours?”

Then again.. she’ll say.. WE WEREN’T close at all, or maybe she dislike to pick up my phone call.
I had no idea…
How could it be possible to talk to me for a long hours almost every week? If she doesn’t like talking to me on the phone she could always just put down or something..

But our conversation lasted, we always share our stories, our point of view, we use to discuss things and so on.
For almost 2 years. If she dislike it, I guess I was too noob to even realize it =)
Because it was alright for at least a year.

She was good in art as we all know..
and just one fine day, I was talking to her about sketching she gave me one picture to sketch.

It took me one night to finish this.
I was really delighted and so shock that I could actually draw.
It may be a simple picture, but do you ever hear me telling stories about sketching?

After completing, I immediately go and find her and tell her that I’m amazed that I could draw, just like a real jakun.

So why did I went and complete the sketch?
So that can talk to her more about it =D
The only thing I could remember at that time was she said this on msn
“Wow your shadings very nice eh.”

Shadings..
the only technique I know is use ur finger and smudge it.
Zach told me that there is other ways to shade, but until today I still don’t know how.

Getting to know more and more about Xue brings me closer to the world of arts each day..
and I think I’m slowly leaving already.
Is really interesting to hear her telling me how she did her artwork,
and yeaa you only could hear her interested in drawing Jrockers.

I think I did ask her why don’t draw female instead.
The reason I really FORGOT.
I think is either cause female harder to draw, or you know…
Guys would wanna draw girl, and girls would wanna draw guy

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Guitar and Japanese Class
Besides drawing…
She will always mention to me about how she desire to learn electric guitar.
She told me that her mum doesn’t support her, but don’t know why she allow her to take up Jap class.

The only one thing I learn from her is, how to pronounce Tsu,
Because I was complaining why people can’t pronounce my name properly, and why do japs have difficulties pronouncing english names.
We pronounce Jap words like no problem at all.

Then she told me how that to pronounce this T-S-U is Tse–u
All I heard was what? Shzzzzzzz-u
So I failed to pronounce it, until I check on the internet they taught me try pronouncing Tse Tse Fly.
So yeaa great success!

I remember stories of Japanese classes are, it take place every Sunday.
Errrm.. she likes her teacher really much, there is a guy one there is also a female one.
Her tall guy partner name Cedric.
and.. Jap girl exchange students..
Nothing really much.

I really admire her, what she did was she saved money for her guitar lesson. That is something that I’ll never do.
I remember how she told me how her savings slowly grow and grow.

Well in future she actually saved for guitar.
Damn funny, save then halfway spend then save then end up got ang pao money then buy.

Supposingly, I could somehow feel that someday she’ll share with me her music journey, and yea at least get to hear a few songs from her so that we can discuss about it. Since I’m also playing an instrument too. Yes, Music was our topic too as I sometimes try to figure out chords that are played in the noisy rock song.

So that’s how it was.