Chapter: The End part 1

So sudden? Of course, since it end so sudden, the story have to end it just like that.
Most certainly there’s the story before it ends.

So I’ve decided a long long time ago way before I went to Singapore that I WANTED to give Xue a surprise for her 19th Birthday.
Indeed, even though what happen on December 2008, that didn’t stop me to make that happen.
WHY? Because all I wanted to do was to show my appreciation to the Xue who’s been a really really good friend to me even though things may not turn out to be both of us “Xiang Qing Xiang Ai” <3

Yea at that remaining half a year, I told myself… Xue is a really nice girl, is been half a year since she knew about my feelings for her, and things are still alrite.
That seems like how it seems eh? But behind that I what also don't know.

Well after what happen on December, I call to wish her Happy New year on 2009, and I think there are still a few phone calls… and… it still went right. She still could talk to me as if NOTHING WAS WRONG.

As days goes on.. I'm always looking forward towards the day where I would surprise Xue.
Keep on visualize that the outcome will be a perfect and happy moment for both of us, you know.. celebrating her birthday together for the first time as friends.

I told Jia En to INFORM the CELES gang,
So end up…
Xun, Ecou, Khamsi, Roy, Bao aka Hubert, Demi Tham aka Faye, JPS Ben aka Wein, Mina, Trust aka Edwin, Fade to black aka Nigel, Jia En herself, Rene, Sephy, were the SG-ians gang who turned up.

Jia En informed me that she was unsure whether faye will go or not because of bao, but I said
"FAYE MUST GO, is FOR XUE, make sure FAYE AND MINA GO."

To be honest, my mind was only thinking of one thing,
"I just expect one simple moment where we will just chat like how we always do on the phone."
But this time is in real life.

Is just that simple.

Hah, I should have know that I shouldn't expect anything at all.
I tried but nope, there's nothing that I could do cause…
the more I put effort on what to buy for her, what to give her, and doing the decorations for the box.
There's no way as a normal human being can say "I don't expect anything."

SO yeaa.. just one last simple moment.. is what I was expecting at that time.

http://shungz.wordpress.com/2009/02/21/the-first-memorable-part-of-2009-after-cny/

So I basically already blog a long entry about it.
I think I shall blog about things I never wrote there.

As how it went
"it didn’t went as we chat until like there’s no tomorrow like how we used to talk to on the phone,
full of joy and laughter..
Just awkward here and there, trying to play it cool for both sides.

I believe everyone over there can see it already how awkward is the situation."

If you were to ask me how I felt, I felt really confuse at that time as I just couldn't believe what am I seeing.
I mean comparing to the Xue I met for the first time and now is like SO DIFFERENT.

Well at that moment, I knew that something went wrong.. perhaps is going to end.
What I could do is just as I mentioned, keep my cool, and just see her for the last moment on her special day.

I guess she just didn't see what she was meant to know.
That's why initially I have a song in mind, trying to tell her what is my purpose to go over there to celebrate her birthday.

NO, is not because I want to win her heart, but I just wanna thank her of what she had done for me.
But sadly I didn't present it as I didn't really prepare the song although the melody is on my head until today.
It was there ever since December 2008, where I somehow felt something was wrong but don't really bother about it.

Even God also try to stop me from going to Singapore, by allowing me to miss the bus to Singapore.
But NO, even though it may make me emotional down, even it would make me my tears fall, I still want to make this happen… even though it might be a stupid move, but I rather be stupid for one last time for a stupid girl who was stupid to always be a supportive friend to this stupid guy.

Yes, the moment when I miss the bus, I already felt that I guess something is wrong.
But who cares.. it still happen.

So I'm just going to jump into how it end and my final message to PEOPLE WHO ARE INVOVLE.

It ends as how she wants it to ends, haha.. she said as if things were MEANT TO BE ALRITE.
But the fact is she NEVER even have the intention to have things right.

So after I came back, being so sad and all that, somehow I still can be cool and call her up.
That was the final phone call that I could ever remember.

"Hello Xue, are you free now."
"Why?"
"because I want to talk to you lo."

Everytime I call her, she never question WHY.. that was the first time she EVER question me why.

The feeling gets stronger.. nevermind.

I started to feel more stronger that SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT, but she keeps on denying it.

One of it is was her decision to join APostate, which is another guild in IvaliceRO who's opposing my current guild. She already DECIDED to join.

When I ask her, she can tell me NOT SURE.
Yea right, not sure still can go to the base and chat and hang out?
I have so many eyes saying that you have already wanted to join but you just don't feel right by telling how you wanna leave the current guild.

LOL, I forgot… to all APOSTATE.
I remember telling Xue this..
"Xue lets go to Coup okay when Simon leave?"

She AGREED.

She.. suppose to have her faye faye aka Demi Tham in Apostate but agree with me to join coup.
She did.

So I told Jia En, "Jia En, I'm sorry, Xue left is partly because of me."
Although she claims that she's more closer with the Apos people but not Coup which is my current one who are mainly SG-ians.

Yes, is all because of me….
I went to coup, is not to join those Apostates who backstab me.
Is obvious that you Apostates want me to leave, DON'T SAY I'M A BETRAYAL I LEFT AFTER THE MAIN LEADER LEFT. In fact, Nesh never really offend me that's no reason why I will can't stand him nor hate him.
In fact I think he's more man than you backstabbers, although he had a foul mouth, perhaps some bad attitude.

I felt something was wrong and even I felt that she started avoiding me, that feeling was so strong that I couldn't sleep.
So here's the time of approaching people whom I know and she knows.

I first approach Jason Yu Kong Chai,
he’s a dude who walks the same path with me in terms of education until today.
He’s someone whom I trust before, someone who I see him as my future research partner.
I trust him with my full heart.

So I called him and say “Dude.. do you feel that something is wrong between both of us.”
He said he don’t and I was initially reluctant to tell him what’s wrong but he was like
“Just tell me only, I will listen.. don’t worry you can tell me anything.”

Well, I knew.. that was the moment is where I could either trust him more or break our trust from there.
Here we go future research partner.

So I told him, then he helped me to ask Xue to talk to me.
Before this I did approach Xue by calling and she didn’t pick up, and I KNOW that she’s just awake and onlining and RO-ing.

Then things turn up somehow fine at first, where Xue actually did talk to me on MSN where I requested to.
The conversation was fine… I’ll post it up later.

It was fine.. that’s what I thought until… I asked her this question.
“So can things resume as usual, where I can call you again, gaming with each other again, meet you again if we were in the same place?”

Her answer was…
HOW CAN I ANSWER THAT?

Then things seems not resolve cause she mistype it now can I answer that?
I say sure, but there’s no reply.

She kept on saying NOTHING WAS WRONG NOTHING WAS WRONG.

I think I try sms too..
well the best part is from one topic leading to another all I ever felt was although she was trying to explaining with her honest heart, but I’m not convince at all, I felt that was many avoiding here and there.

So I only stop at one point where she only show me one sign.
“How can I answer that.”

How can I answer that, WAS NEVER a line where Xue would say it to me.

All I could see ahead.. is only to prepare for the outcome that’s a dejavu.
So I told Jason and Silent a.k.a Zhi Jian
“Both of you are the ONLY trustable Apostates that I trust, so please.. if things turns out to be no good for us, I hope that you two could take my role to make her happy at all times.”

Not only I approach them, in fact the FINAL person that I approach was the one that cause the DISASTER to happen. Is not her that cause it to happen, it was MY ACT to approach her that cause it to happen.

Yosephina(Is not her fault remember!)

It was so stupid.. my sensors was like beeping non-stop.
I added this girl in msn, as I got another choice of her real life friend to add too which is Gracia.
But since this one is her close one that she could meet often, just tell it to her.

Guess what?
I’m actually CHATTING TO HER instead of chatting with this Yosephina.
YES I WAS CHATTING TO XUE!!! LOL!

Even though I kept feeling it was Xue, but I Don’t doubt it at all.
Because I know what am I telling to Yosephina is all genuine and all my best hope and wish for her.