Afterall, I also cannot play with html codes here.
Wordpress again LIMIT this and THAT.

I thin I’ll use back this blog someday for PRIVATE PROTECTED entries.
Doubt I’ll post it tho..

here’s the link http://shungzz.blogspot.com
So now I get into blogspot, I can kill many birds with one stone.

Can test on htmls, and check out what benifits bloggers to be part of nuffnang.
and also.. blog =.=

WordPress has too many restriction. The only thing I like about it is load smoothly and password protected post.

Well as some of you know what just happened.
There are few things I need to clarify.

First of all, purpose of doing that video is to let her know that I’ll say goodbye since that is what she wants.
Secondly, yes all these melodies are left with me ever since she left,
is either the melody stick with me and no one will hear it, or is out there and it reach to the person that was suppose to receive.
Thirdly, I have no expectation but rather just as long as the message reach to her then can d =)

Xue WAS someone who WAS great to me,
so I won’t even bother if I will have to put effort to say a goodbye to her.
Is hard for me to say, that is why it has to be in a musical form.
Actually there’s also many more left that I wanted to tell her a long time ago.. but I DIDN’T GET a chance to say it to her.

What are those?
Wait then you will know..

No worries, I’m not that sad compare to the day where she decided not to be part of my life anymore.
Don’t try to tell me how things can be alright, or try telling me that what I do is no use and all.. or maybe is not worth it..

This whole thingy is just plays a role TO INFORM.
She wants to care or not, doesn’t matter…
Cause people around her will help me to keep the message.. always.

Yes, kepoh who reads my blog, people who laugh at me in a mockery way…
You people will always be someone who can help me in a way
So go on laughing or whatever…
It makes no difference anyway, cause ever since she left me..
That day you all already started to laugh.. so plus minus in the end those laughter are always the same..

Used to it already =D

As you guys go on mentioning bad things about me, you’ll always remind her of me. So what if is in a bad way?
After all, when things are not good between me and her,
I STRONGLY believe you all had already tried say things that could separate her from me.

So I’ll end by saying this,
I rather tell it to her, rather than to regret when I don’t have the chance to tell her.

Just another thought, yeaa I somehow really lost interest of blogging adi. Cause when I on, I’ll rather go do other stuff..
But I’m still someone who love to share things and my stories.
Maybe someday I’ll hire someone to record down things I want to share. Writing things in blog takes time too =D

Happy Chinese New Year to all chinese in the world.

So I go on telling her that “Things may not be how I want it to be, so please be the one to replace my role.”

Then Xue was like don’t so diao can la, wtf here and there la..
Talk as if like trying to tell me “Who the hell you think you are.”

I just recalled, Xue called me “Kepoh”.
Once again I would say, Xue never once say me Kepoh before…
anything I ask her also she will tell me like no problem.

Lol, a friend would kepoh a friend would say say kepoh?
I don’t think so..
That is why when she said that, I even strongly feel that something was even more WRONG.

So Jason was the one in charge of helping her to ask me log on into RO, and so I did.
She didn’t even dare to use her character to tell me face to face but instead MEGAPHONE IT OUT AND LET THE WHOLE SERVER of IvaliceRO PEOPLE KNOW.

You think I could remember the megaphone content?
Nope, I only can remember doesn’t mean you can tame my heart, and what she gave me chance from when to when I also don’t know what the heck is she talking about.

So I went to the Apostate base and guess what she said?

“Nothing was wrong actually, if you were to let it be things will be alrite.”

“I gave you TWO chance to break the ice, but you didn’t take it.”

“Be it like the past, where you wait long long and nothing will happen.”

That was the final words I could ever remember.
LOL! I said to her..
“You never tell me when I ask also…”

Xiong can tell me is common sense.
Common sense eh?
You know why I said you never tell me?
Because I trust her.

She said it was alrite, okay..
but things doesn’t convince me.
moreover I’m sure when she’s with you guys you all sure gossip about me that’s NO DOUBT about that.

But I want to trust her, so that is why I say “Please tell me if you were to need some time of what I will do it, just tell me.”

But no.. how can I use my common sense at this confusing moments eh? Where Xue NEVER ONCE could fail to express her heart out to me by telling me when she’s angry or sad if she really is..
Xue has been always honest to me.

That is why I choose not to believe in anything but what comes out from her.
If the answer is no answer, I would take that as an unanswered question.

I DID stop messaging after that, but I approach her friends only what.
WRONG MEH?

Xue claims that I go around tell everybody how emo am I.
But does she knows that she’s the cause of me being emo?
Don’t tell me like how you could control your emo-ness.

Xue is special to me, the more special the person is, the MORE emo you become if that person hurts you.
I only tell to those whom I chat with most of the time IN RO.
In fact I think I only started telling like what happen AFTER SHE DECIDED TO JUST IGNORE ME FOR LIFE =)

During the process of confusion, I only tell those whom I trust.
So whoever that know about this.
When your confuse, you tend to speak out your mind to people close around you.. DON’T TELL ME YOU CAN BE SILENT WHEN YOU ARE IN THE STATE OF CONFUSION. NO ONE CAN.
I was confuse Xue.. I was…
But you said you gave me chances…
But it seems like you have the intention to end it.

I Trust you guys with my whole heart.
If you are involved in the backstab go ahead.
I may not take my revenge, but things will come back to you eventually and that is the time you will think of me. ^^V

Of course to those APOSTATE who is involve in separating us instead of fixing it.
Remember, I as Shungz NEVER once do anything harmful to you guys.
I may say things that hurt you all, but all that was unintentional, and I ALWAYS support you guys since Celes at full heart.
I may not take my revenge, but remember also don’t think you can get away with it.

Jason and Zhi Jian, you two could have the chance to be a two headed snake, maybe others who seem nice to me could also be.
But I won’t see it as you two will do so.
Even if you did… I also don’t care.

But I would want to ask you a question back, “What did I do to deserve this from you two? I trusted you two as my brothers in RO.”

So it seems that things went wrong way before I really realize it.
To those involved, you know who you are.
Remember, you were in a position of probably fixing a bond and to break a bond.
If you were involved in the bond breaking, the potential energy will somehow return to you.

To Xue,
I still have many more to say to you before I truly end everything.
I thought you were someone whom I thought could still be there for me until the day of my success I will acknowledge you as someone who’s been supporting me.
I don’t even know why can’t you be honest with me, and the best part is you don’t even get to see what really matters to me.

NO is not MARRYING YOU pleaseeee…
Singapore’s currency is 2.4RM I have to work 2 times to date you once.
Marrying you means staying in Singapore, I will have to sacrifice all that I have in Malaysia.
Is COSTLY to marry you.
So that’s why I wouldn’t even care if you were to turn me down on this.

What matters most to me is you and I could maintain the strong bonds that we once build since 3 years ago…
until the end of our life on earth.

That is why, that day when I gave you that present, the DESIGN of it is EVERYONE CAN LAUGH AT IT…. laugh at the STUPIDNESS OF THE IDEA of THE DESIGN OF THE BOX.

I could do a lovey dovey design…. but no, I don’t want to.
That stupid designs with lights and not even a HEART SHAPE nor I love you word there CLEARLY SAYS
“Hey… this is from me… your friend… is not from someone who comes here to win your heart.”

I tell you, even though I may be able to love you till the day I die.
But that doesn’t mean that I will do so if you don’t feel the same.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ALL THESE NONSENSE TO KILL THE FEELING.
Cause I can see myself being able to let the feeling die off.
Your too costly to marry…. please….

I guess… it doesn’t matter anymore if I say now. I don’t know what are the chances you may read this… so… whatever lorrr ^^V

So I’ve decided a long long time ago way before I went to Singapore that I WANTED to give Xue a surprise for her 19th Birthday.
Indeed, even though what happen on December 2008, that didn’t stop me to make that happen.
WHY? Because all I wanted to do was to show my appreciation to the Xue who’s been a really really good friend to me even though things may not turn out to be both of us “Xiang Qing Xiang Ai” <3

Yea at that remaining half a year, I told myself… Xue is a really nice girl, is been half a year since she knew about my feelings for her, and things are still alrite.
That seems like how it seems eh? But behind that I what also don't know.

Well after what happen on December, I call to wish her Happy New year on 2009, and I think there are still a few phone calls… and… it still went right. She still could talk to me as if NOTHING WAS WRONG.

As days goes on.. I'm always looking forward towards the day where I would surprise Xue.
Keep on visualize that the outcome will be a perfect and happy moment for both of us, you know.. celebrating her birthday together for the first time as friends.

I told Jia En to INFORM the CELES gang,
So end up…
Xun, Ecou, Khamsi, Roy, Bao aka Hubert, Demi Tham aka Faye, JPS Ben aka Wein, Mina, Trust aka Edwin, Fade to black aka Nigel, Jia En herself, Rene, Sephy, were the SG-ians gang who turned up.

Jia En informed me that she was unsure whether faye will go or not because of bao, but I said
"FAYE MUST GO, is FOR XUE, make sure FAYE AND MINA GO."

To be honest, my mind was only thinking of one thing,
"I just expect one simple moment where we will just chat like how we always do on the phone."
But this time is in real life.

Is just that simple.

Hah, I should have know that I shouldn't expect anything at all.
I tried but nope, there's nothing that I could do cause…
the more I put effort on what to buy for her, what to give her, and doing the decorations for the box.
There's no way as a normal human being can say "I don't expect anything."

SO yeaa.. just one last simple moment.. is what I was expecting at that time.

http://shungz.wordpress.com/2009/02/21/the-first-memorable-part-of-2009-after-cny/

So I basically already blog a long entry about it.
I think I shall blog about things I never wrote there.

As how it went
"it didn’t went as we chat until like there’s no tomorrow like how we used to talk to on the phone,
full of joy and laughter..
Just awkward here and there, trying to play it cool for both sides.

I believe everyone over there can see it already how awkward is the situation."

If you were to ask me how I felt, I felt really confuse at that time as I just couldn't believe what am I seeing.
I mean comparing to the Xue I met for the first time and now is like SO DIFFERENT.

Well at that moment, I knew that something went wrong.. perhaps is going to end.
What I could do is just as I mentioned, keep my cool, and just see her for the last moment on her special day.

I guess she just didn't see what she was meant to know.
That's why initially I have a song in mind, trying to tell her what is my purpose to go over there to celebrate her birthday.

NO, is not because I want to win her heart, but I just wanna thank her of what she had done for me.
But sadly I didn't present it as I didn't really prepare the song although the melody is on my head until today.
It was there ever since December 2008, where I somehow felt something was wrong but don't really bother about it.

Even God also try to stop me from going to Singapore, by allowing me to miss the bus to Singapore.
But NO, even though it may make me emotional down, even it would make me my tears fall, I still want to make this happen… even though it might be a stupid move, but I rather be stupid for one last time for a stupid girl who was stupid to always be a supportive friend to this stupid guy.

Yes, the moment when I miss the bus, I already felt that I guess something is wrong.
But who cares.. it still happen.

So I'm just going to jump into how it end and my final message to PEOPLE WHO ARE INVOVLE.

It ends as how she wants it to ends, haha.. she said as if things were MEANT TO BE ALRITE.
But the fact is she NEVER even have the intention to have things right.

So after I came back, being so sad and all that, somehow I still can be cool and call her up.
That was the final phone call that I could ever remember.

"Hello Xue, are you free now."
"Why?"
"because I want to talk to you lo."

Everytime I call her, she never question WHY.. that was the first time she EVER question me why.

The feeling gets stronger.. nevermind.

I started to feel more stronger that SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT, but she keeps on denying it.

One of it is was her decision to join APostate, which is another guild in IvaliceRO who's opposing my current guild. She already DECIDED to join.

When I ask her, she can tell me NOT SURE.
Yea right, not sure still can go to the base and chat and hang out?
I have so many eyes saying that you have already wanted to join but you just don't feel right by telling how you wanna leave the current guild.

LOL, I forgot… to all APOSTATE.
I remember telling Xue this..
"Xue lets go to Coup okay when Simon leave?"

She AGREED.

She.. suppose to have her faye faye aka Demi Tham in Apostate but agree with me to join coup.
She did.

So I told Jia En, "Jia En, I'm sorry, Xue left is partly because of me."
Although she claims that she's more closer with the Apos people but not Coup which is my current one who are mainly SG-ians.

Yes, is all because of me….
I went to coup, is not to join those Apostates who backstab me.
Is obvious that you Apostates want me to leave, DON'T SAY I'M A BETRAYAL I LEFT AFTER THE MAIN LEADER LEFT. In fact, Nesh never really offend me that's no reason why I will can't stand him nor hate him.
In fact I think he's more man than you backstabbers, although he had a foul mouth, perhaps some bad attitude.

I felt something was wrong and even I felt that she started avoiding me, that feeling was so strong that I couldn't sleep.
So here's the time of approaching people whom I know and she knows.

I first approach Jason Yu Kong Chai,
he’s a dude who walks the same path with me in terms of education until today.
He’s someone whom I trust before, someone who I see him as my future research partner.
I trust him with my full heart.

So I called him and say “Dude.. do you feel that something is wrong between both of us.”
He said he don’t and I was initially reluctant to tell him what’s wrong but he was like
“Just tell me only, I will listen.. don’t worry you can tell me anything.”

Well, I knew.. that was the moment is where I could either trust him more or break our trust from there.
Here we go future research partner.

So I told him, then he helped me to ask Xue to talk to me.
Before this I did approach Xue by calling and she didn’t pick up, and I KNOW that she’s just awake and onlining and RO-ing.

Then things turn up somehow fine at first, where Xue actually did talk to me on MSN where I requested to.
The conversation was fine… I’ll post it up later.

It was fine.. that’s what I thought until… I asked her this question.
“So can things resume as usual, where I can call you again, gaming with each other again, meet you again if we were in the same place?”

Her answer was…
HOW CAN I ANSWER THAT?

Then things seems not resolve cause she mistype it now can I answer that?
I say sure, but there’s no reply.

She kept on saying NOTHING WAS WRONG NOTHING WAS WRONG.

I think I try sms too..
well the best part is from one topic leading to another all I ever felt was although she was trying to explaining with her honest heart, but I’m not convince at all, I felt that was many avoiding here and there.

So I only stop at one point where she only show me one sign.
“How can I answer that.”

How can I answer that, WAS NEVER a line where Xue would say it to me.

All I could see ahead.. is only to prepare for the outcome that’s a dejavu.
So I told Jason and Silent a.k.a Zhi Jian
“Both of you are the ONLY trustable Apostates that I trust, so please.. if things turns out to be no good for us, I hope that you two could take my role to make her happy at all times.”

Not only I approach them, in fact the FINAL person that I approach was the one that cause the DISASTER to happen. Is not her that cause it to happen, it was MY ACT to approach her that cause it to happen.

Yosephina(Is not her fault remember!)

It was so stupid.. my sensors was like beeping non-stop.
I added this girl in msn, as I got another choice of her real life friend to add too which is Gracia.
But since this one is her close one that she could meet often, just tell it to her.

Guess what?
I’m actually CHATTING TO HER instead of chatting with this Yosephina.
YES I WAS CHATTING TO XUE!!! LOL!

Even though I kept feeling it was Xue, but I Don’t doubt it at all.
Because I know what am I telling to Yosephina is all genuine and all my best hope and wish for her.

Yay, at last is like going to end already.
But I the previous entry was like nothing much anyway.
I didn’t really write out things that she said to me that I remember until today, those time where I really enjoyed the most while chatting with her on skype or on the phone.

But before I continue I would like to share one of the weirdest topic that only a girl like her would go on talking to me.

One just one fine day, I decided to call her, all the sudden I just thought of yeaa what you think about teleport.
So my idea of teleporting was…

An object, transform into some mini particles or maybe wave, transport it through to a place using a device.
But her idea really gave me another picture which I actually didn’t think about.

Going through a DIFFERENT dimension.
Till then I realize that yea it make sense to, because when you travel through another dimension, people won’t get to see you, so in another words your like literally teleporting.

Then I remember telling her, “Yea just like Bleach, you go to Soul Society people see you as you’ve disappear, then when you reappear somewhere is really like teleport!”

Another one more I would like to share is…

I remember talking to her about plastic surgery,
I tell her that is also part of my dream to improve the techniques of plastic surgery.

She asked so how you wanna improve it.

I just tell her, hmm I wanna make it like in a natural way, so that you know people no need to implant anything inside the body.

But I forgot her reply after that.

Hah all these really do brings back memories…
All these conversations, ONLY XUE will talk to me about it.
I don’t think I will actually get to find anyone to talk to me about it so soon.

Each time when I say out my thoughts, she will always have her own thoughts which sometimes inspire me, sometimes enlighten me, and so on. Always bringing a positive outcome.
As I’ve mentioned many times, that’s what I like about her..
She treasure uniqueness, she doesn’t follow what people would normally do or think, she dares to speak out what she thinks.

Our first meeting in your country

This was suppose to be one of the most kaninabochibai outing ever I go in a group.
But I would actually wanna say thx to ALL Coup members who actually HAVE the idea to make this happen.
Apostates who talks BAD behind my back during this trip. FUCK YOU.

So this trip was my FIRST TIME EVER to Singapore, and I solo alone sitting bus. They said they wanted to stay for a week. So yea I actually brought luggage like 2 bags since is 1 week, in fact brought so much cash that you could buy a PSP and a NDS. Perhaps even CLOSE to buy an iPhone if you want to talk about the TOTAL cost(First time make passport ma).

Before that I was SERIOUSLY really excited about it, is like YAY CELES IS REALLY MEETING UP, SG AND MALAYSIANSzzzz.. woohooo!
I love seeing people being united gather together and have fun ^^V

Is actually counted as a miracle that I could go for this =D
If wasn’t for someone who IS part of the sponser, I WOULDN’T be in Singapore the week of Christmas 2008.

I’ve not only so called sacrifice the $, I also SACRIFICE a YEARLY trip with my bunch of TRUE FRIENDS in Thailand.
Thailand currency somore lower, Singapore is like x2.3 close to 2.4 already that time.

First day, all of us already in chalet.
Yea the CONSPIRACY of me owing Miruko’s money was apparently a BIG AGENDA at that time.
I brought a lot of $, why would I wanna cheat.
In fact, NONE OF YOU ASSCLOWNS has actually approach me personally and tell me that he was quite upset about it.
As far as I remember, NESH the one that people claims him lansikia foul mouth, was more MAN than all of you, he in fact came and talk to me about it.
So yea, of course I did discuss with him about this matter.

Is only 15 SGD, why would I DON’T WANT TO PAY?
I remember I pay, that’s why I told Miruko if you are really sure that I didn’t pay I will pay it up to you, after the trip of course, cause that was the time I only knew.

Of all that, yeaaa.. I was in SG.. excitingly wanted to see those SG-ians. Wanna HAVE FUN with CELESTICA the GUILD that I supported with my FULL HEART.

Yes, of course you all are waiting for this sentence.
“I can’t wait to see Xue! Is been one and a half years since we last met!”

So first night of chalet, it was really great to see Jia En, Xun and Royston. If I could still see this 3 person together again that’s really fun.. I still wanna play “bluff” with them again but I don’t think is possible anymore as one is no longer with the 2 anymore.

I slept early because I actually wanted to stay up for the rest of the night to chat with Xue the next night ^^V

Jeng Jeng Jeng…
The next day…
I went to get my Singtel prepaid, contact her asking what time she’ll be there.
That shows how sibeh excited I was. ^^

The following stories is what I didn’t mentioned on the last entries about my first experience in Singapore.

So it was night, and I actually STUPIDLY suggested that why not I find you and lead you to the chalet.
Smartass Malaysian wanna lead a Singaporean to a Singaporean chalet. Sohai or not?

Nola actually I wanted to accompany her to there when she reach.
She denied. That time I also don’t know why.
I remember buying a ICE BLENDED COFFEE from Coffee Bean, large somore.. and while drinking the coffee and came back without accompanying her, I felt really no good.

2 things- either I sohai got so affected by it or sambal+coffee = gg?
Those Apostates claims that I want to show off ate all of their food during a night before that’s why my stomach wanna explode that’s why I vomited.

Yea.. I told Jia En about it. That my stomach don’t feel good. So eventually the WHOLE group knows about it.
EVERYTHING was fine but all I felt was wind on my stomach, so hard to tahan and is not cool.. somore that time Xue came.

When she saw me, she smiled and say Hi.
I saw her with the makes up all was like.. wow so different from the one in Genting.
Sadly she seems to be really sleepy and tired, so the conversation didn’t last the WHOLE NIGHT, and my stomach don’t feel good.
So I so called took a rest la, put the “Feng You” la.. many things I do but nothing seems to be right, so I only have to tahan ^^V

Sigh.. I really wish that time, both of us already learnt guitar, and we bring our guitar there and play ^^V. That will rock my trip.
But what’s meant to be will meant to be and not meant to be will be…
Not Meant To Be.

But on that night, I only discover on stupid thing, her 2nd toe is LONGER than the first toe for both feets WAAAAY longer… =D

So yeaa.. I actually didn’t really ponder much why did she denied me accompanying her. Hah, cause I so called didn’t want to bother such small matter.

But well.. such small matters actually matters where it actually shows a sign of leakage of SOMETHING IS WRONG.

I used to thought that hmm I think only a FEW CELES knows about it UNLESS those who knows about it BEING A BIG MOUTH tell the WHOLE CELES. But that time, I never thought that the whole celes know.
Perhaps the whole celes know way before I know ^^V
So that’s why she would actually REALLY MINE if I were to accompany her to the chalet.

Of course ma! Don’t want people to say and tease horrr… or simply think right? yeaaaa ^^V

So a few days later, I’ve actually decided to stay longer… FOR HER.
I could go off on the same time with Xiong and all to meet up with my group of friends for outings in Malaysia but NO! I want to EXPLORE SINGAPORE WITH XUE.

So I called.
The following conversation is really funny.

It goes like.

“I want to go out explore YOUR PLACE with you ^^V”

“Aiyaa I lazy to go out laa.. Singapore got what nice to see? Very Sien”

So STUPIDLY again, I try to ask her like as if I could try convice her as a “friend”.

“Why la lazy.. I not everytime can come Singapore. A SIMPLE place to hang out and drink and chit chat there will do la.”

“Duwaaan laaazzzzy…”

Knowing her for a year plus, I always like mou diu her when she say lazy. But this time she said lazy is really weird lor.. so I come out with another question.

“Why would you meet me up in Genting but not in your own coutry and your own place?”

Yea.. slumber only I ask that. She also very smart she go answer me.

“Genting that time got my cousin, I spend most of the time with my cousin.”

But she should know what I’m referring to.

I just want it AS SIMPLE AS IT WAS during our FIRST MEETING. WHY CAN’T SUCH THING HAPPEN? IS IN HER PLACE, is all in her advantage.
Is not everytime I can come Singapore this is like my FIRST TIME to Singapore and CAN SPEND A LOT MAN.

But no she give me all the excuses like lazy laa and so on.
NOT a NO.

She just can’t say NO.

For so long of friendship is THAT HARD TO SAY NO TO ME?
She can easily tell me that she don’t want things from me easily, but NOT THIS OUTING TO MEET HER UP. Which is a seriously rare opportunity.
She could easily say NO to biotech, going against it by showing how she has no interest in it, skip class rebel against her parents, argue with them.. but NOT a NO to me.

So of course, since you didn’t say no.
Stupidly as TRUSTING YOUR WORDS AS A FRIEND, I choose not to follow what I feel, but BELIEVE what you say.
So yea I told her okay I’ll call you on Monday at CERTAIN TIME, you just give me a final answer.

Guess what?
“The Singtel mobile customer is currently unavailable.”

Yea, dress myself up to “Explore Singapore” hoping to see you, but you even a NO also cannot tell me, and off the phone.
At least an SMS also will do.

Hahaha.. what’s that for anyway? To make me lose hope?
You want to use your ultimate already eh?

So despite of what happen, I REMEMBER!
I went to Bugis and ate MOS burger.. and I told myself to name Bugis the place where I emo in Singapore.
So I name it the EMO STREET. She did told me that her campus was in Bugis but I didn’t really notice.

MOS burger is cheap, but the fries is noob.. big and chunky not nice to eat.
So then I went EXPLORE SINGAPORE MYSELF… without Xue…
As I imagine by myself like how Xue will elaborate all the places and so on. Guess what? Went to the Bugis Street there, where is like the Petaling Street in KL.. I saw a section where they sell many cosmetics sets… immediately it comes to my mind that “Oh! I’m sure I’ll talk to her about it if she were to bring me walk pass there”.

So these are the part where I didn’t blog about over here

http://shungz.wordpress.com/2009/01/10/singapore-day-7-and-8/

I observed many stuff, yeaaa.. if she was there.. we would definitely talk a lot cause that’s what we always do when we chat on the phone, WE SHARE OUR THOUGHTS ABOUT WHAT WE OBSERVED.
Nahh… no girls could actually get to discuss with me continuously for years.. ONLY XUE CAN.

But what to do, she’s not there, so could only just imagine a little here and there.

All the way from afternoon till 11pm, I traveled along the east west line. Really siao..
Of course I went to Tampines.. to so called EXPLORE her area.
Her area seriously does reminds me of my area.
Housing areas with shopping malls nearby, and perhaps shop houses.
Not really Ulu, not really far from the main city. Quite nice environment to stay.

“You go to Singapore just to get hurt only, some more Thailand so syok, can go club, got many girls to see, and the currency there smaller, you damn sohai laa..” That was what my good friend Zachary told me.

Is kinda true…
I go there, Apostate people make fun of me and I just slumberly ^^V
I go there, was expecting at least ONE OUTING where I get to spend time with Xue for just ONE MOMENT just like how we were on the phone.. it didn’t happen.

The only happy thing is
1) I get to find out the SO CALLED “CELES BETRAYER” Coup De tat were the CELES that accept me for who Shungz is, and who don’t take advantage of me, and genuinely didn’t outcast me and influence people to have the prejudice thinking towards me. =D
2) I’m still able to be nice to them after they talking behind my back, they saying how much they HATE SHUNGZ but cannot show it in real life and say it out to him. ^^V
3) Know that Ecou a.k.a Hansen Erawan is actually the best bf for JiaJia as he was the one who really make such event happen for providing his place for us to stay.
4)Explored Singapore, get to know many more stuff about Singapore, get to know what they have and what they don’t have compare to Malaysia.
5) To get to see WHAT IS SO NICE IN ORCHARD ROAD DURING CHRISTMAS AS MANY Nubz telling me that “Oh is really nice!”

lastly…
To get to know the truth that something is actually wrong between Xue and I. Which I didn’t know why….

So I sms-ed Jia En and say that…
“Hey Jia En, thx for the good times with you guys, I think I will come back on February for Xue’s birthday..and let that be the day to be remembered before anything begin or end.”
Of course I could explained to her what happen between Xue and I.

Before anything begin or end, is just a heads or tails situation that I predict is going to happen.
I told her as if I’m prepared for the outcome..
Yea.. I really really thought Xue was my close friend…
the last few chapters you will find out how noob am I =D

Is going to be the final chapter of the whole story.
^^V
I think I shall blog it by this week.

I…..
Never expect that it was fine.

Nope…
never at all….

Things went on as usual, and she was cool about it.
That was what I thought… all the while.

So of course, I did tried to call her, and we still could have our normal chat.
Things REALLY DO seem like is alright.

But what I couldn’t see all along is that..
maybe behind my back, she’d already started to talk about it.
Perhaps talking bad about me.

With who?

Yes, part of you guys are READERS of my blog. ^^V
Who? Online gaming “friends” which are Apostate and non-Apostate. ^^

Well, I believe it should have started a long time ago…
Not after I went to SG to celebrate her birthday.

But I couldn’t detect at all, as we somehow so called “become closer”.
Yea.. as don’t know how, we somehow make a deal that we would play dota together regularly.

Yea.. just the both of us and AI’s.
Sometimes just both of us, sometimes with a few of others.
This could only remind me of how we both work together on TPY video.

I still remember the most memorable dota game was she using Techies, and I was using Vengeful Spirit.
Yea.. we actually thought of familarize with one hero after another from first traven till the last.

So yea what we always play was, only mid and 2 v 2.
I remember when we play, we skype too.

That game I still remember, she was planting bombs and bombing all the AI’s. All I could hear was how she laugh out loud.
How she can’t hold her laughter when she was about to activate the bomb.

Then I still remember there was once, she used the storm panda.
Still can never forget how funny she said this line something goes like this..
“Hello I’m the Pandaren Master, bwahahahah.”

Besides that, we still have our usual chats be it in game or on the phone.
I really felt that we were close and nothing went wrong at all. =)

Oh yea, there’s this MEETOTO thingy too.
Where Kuzu will be there singing and we’ll be there listening.

Then.. that time it was always..
Silent, Jason, Me and her talking about Naruto stuff.

Silent that time was like the FIRST person I trust with all my rare equips.
Then this Jason Yu, all the sudden become so sociable, from Serene Paladin change his identity to Ixian. Since we(as in all of us) have things in common, so yeaa things somehow happen just like how earth will rotate.

There is still laughter, there is still joy, there is still trust and so on.
I thought to myself…
well, is really great to have Xue to be for me.
Indeed she’s not like Pei Yi, neither Poh Nee.. seems that you know..
our nothing could actually separate our closeness.

Yes, what I only care about most is her being someone whom could share our thoughts together. It doesn’t matter if she were to be with me as couples in the future, what I care about and happy about is our friendship went well throughout the whole year, the whole time.
I AM.. GRATEFUL for that, she was the first girl whom I actually could still be in good term with for a long period of time after knowing how I felt for her. In fact, I would say we actually got closer if you were to ask me on that moment of time

Hah, I wonder how’s she doing still…

———————————————————————-
Before the day

I came to realize that, well…
seems that she really is the one that would be “perfect” for me.
Why ” “, not because I don’t mean it.. but is for her sake.

Among all the girls that I felt for, she’s the only one whom I would say really unique.
She’s the most unique traits that I really like about her is she really can stand out of the crowd and stand firm of her own thoughts, opinion and so on.
Py has that too… but NAH…
Py may blog it out always claims how she goes against the flow,
but well at the end what people say still matters so much to her.

Well, I never get to be really this close to a girl whom I really like for a at least half a year.
Xue was the first… again. haha.

All I ever felt was, Xue will always somehow can cheer me up every single phone call, be it whether I’m in a happy, bored, sad mode.
Cause there’s just almost ANYTHING we could talk about.

Except for anything relating to Maths or maybe Physics xDxD.

Well, she’s a designer material, she has to be creative =D
Creative people will tend to come with creative thoughts and conversation.
Never get to really like a creative girl like her anymore..

Although there’s this so called laziness in her, lol everytime when she mentioned the word lazy.. I’ll go like “O okay, whatever”.
Cause how lazy she’ll be, if that is important she’ll do it.

Considering….

I really do felt that, she could be the first girl that I really like that would still be my side even if she has not even a tiny bit of feelings for me.

I really do felt that, warm, friendliness, supportive aura from her all the time.

I, in fact was so grateful to have her as my good companion to share my thoughts with after… 2 girls who cause me great horrifying impact.
So in my heart, I thought that.. well…
I can see the future that, Xue and I will at least do something significant with me when the time we are at our pro career.
Then come thinking of how I would mention about her when I’m successful.

Well of course did think of the part where I really wish for is..
Yea be together and share the victory together.

Nice dream eh…

So.. is been at least almost a year or so I kept that feeling,
and I was thinking to myself, why not try telling her.

Again. I was afraid to do so.
Is not because of fear of rejection, is because of fear of events happening again.

“Everytime when I confess to a girl my feelings, if that girl just has no feelings for me, GONE, friends also cannot become just like how it was.”

I was really really really afraid of that.

So yea, I remember very well that I message Hui Wen, and Jia En, and maybe Kuzu… and my precious “mei” I think.
I remember Hui Wen was like saying the same thing,
“Aren’t you afraid after it become like Poh Nee and Pei Yi.”

I said. “I do.”
“But no matter what at the end of the day, she will also know, be it I confess or not.”

Yea..
I did visualize ahead.
Like okay, she knows it, and don’t know how and why and then avoid me.
She knows it, things still remain usual, we still be good friends.
She knows it, and sooner or later, magic happens =)

3 outcome.

Well yea.. I do thought of so called playing safe..
Keeping it very long.. till she’s with someone, and then I’ll just leave her silently.

Then I told myself,
why keep it?

Just let it out, is much better this way, cause if I keep on keeping it this way, is like really hard for me, cause is like there’s always something that is stuck with me that I want to let it out but can’t.

To put it in a simple situation, “You want to shit but the shit cannot come out”.

THAT WAS THE SHIT FEELING.

I then consider again, yea is true, Xue and I at least 1 year of knowing each other adi, things should be alrite I guess..
So then I start to so called prepare what I wanted to say to her.
Then informed her that yea, I wanted to call her on a Friday night.
That will be the date I will confess to her.

I actually planned that I would go and meet her, few years later, and tell it to her face to face.
But oh well………. I don’t think I can keep on keeping that feelings for really long =/

The day itself
I still remember, it was AFTER Woe in RO.

I think you can say I was really stupid after you read finish this entry

I gather all my guts, press numbers by numbers..
Hearing the Italk operator again.

“Dial Destination Number, or press star for menu”

When she pick up,
I heard a really sweet and soft “hello”.

Gets me even more nervous…
Then I wanted to say out my sentence,
but she was concentrating on her RO =.=

That’s make me even more nervous.

Then I began to think,
“SHIT, I think she knows. I think I rather not tell.”

Lol, all of this sudden want to U-turn.

But I remember I was hang gei and I think I mentioned this.
“Xue, I want to tell you something, is very important.. and maybe it might change things.”

She was so called questioned, but her response was like
“Huh” or “How”.
Lol, I’ve too much experience of how people act blur until each time when people is blur or acting blur I someone always tend to able to judge it.

But well her blur was convincingly “ACT BLUR”.
I hate it when people act blur.
But acting blur is a really good way to avoid things.
Because acting blur could always end with this 3 words I hate the most.

“I don’t know.”

So she get me even more nervous, but so called concentrating on the come, reading chats out loud, so since she’s not really concentrating, I went “Can pause the game for while or not.”

Then she said “Okay, I pause for while d, what you want to say.”

But her “pause for while” didn’t even convince me to, as I still could feel that she was into the RO, or you know… attention was not diverge to me.

So fine, I told her I called back.
Why?
Because that time I really stomach ache =.=

So after doing business already, I called back again.

Guess what?
She didn’t pick up.
I call and call and call for maybe 20 times 30 times?
No answer.

Eventually I got really frustrated, I leave her a message asking her why must she do so.

Her reply was “I went to brush my teeth, I put my phone on silent mode, then I went upstairs, never hear your phone call”

I believe it, even with doubts, I really DID believe it.
For the Xue that I trust so much, I BELIEVE SUCH EXCUSES THAT LOOKS SO FAKE.

I remember I replied, “You know I would call back right, why must you do so.”

Then somehow, this thing so called “resolved” by I just don’t bother about it, she just don’t bother about it.
Do I have a choice? I don’t think so.
I would really wish that she could tell me the real honest answer,
but whether that is real or fake I have no evidence to prove it.

Cause I’m in Malaysia and She’s in Singapore,
unless her sis so good will tell me.

Sohem.

That wasn’t the first time she actually so called ffk-ed my call.
But o well, what I do?
I just.. “O okay la since you say sorry, then forget it lor.”

What I meant by ffk-ed is yeaa..
Infrom earlier, promise already this time will call, when call never pick up.

The next day

Ok, maybe yesterday was a failure, so how about today.

On the another hand,
there was something I didn’t really highlight on is.
There’s this dude name Gary aka Spear that so called was her RO bf,
so I actually wanted to know whether are they real life couple or just RO couple.

KNOWING SUCH INFORMATION IS A MUST FOR ME, cause if is RL couple then no point la I go confess.

But I just don’t know why, Jia En..
the one whom I trust, who KNOWS the true fact, would actually hide such stuff from me because Xue told her not to tell me.
But the fact is, is quite a must for me to know cause if is true then I go confess HOW?

But okay, she didn’t tell.
So I wasn’t sure.

In the end, on that day itself.
I actually saw some of the chats Xue,Spear,Jia En was talking.

All I could remember was this

JE: Aiyaa he’s pm-ing me again
Xue: Harrr.. how would he feel if he knows.
Spear: I am your bf, right?
Xue: Yea lol.
JE: So how?
Xue: Don’t let him know lor.
Spear: Why dun let him know..

And so on….

Lol, I was DUAL-ing window.
I don’t know whether they knew about this or not.

But oh well..
Seeing that Xue was so reluctant to let me know.
I only could accept data that.. yea is true then.
Impossible you want me to go ask Xue, eh is Spear your RL bf?

I wanted to be like that, but I’m sure all of you would say “Waa is not that nice ler like that.”

So then yea.
Stupidly I go MSN tell her what I planned to say.

I remember…
I did mentioned, Thank You for being there for me for a year+
But I think today will be the last day you will see the happy me talking to you.

I do not know whether she was really blur or act blur but she said
“Har what happen? Tian Pei Yi stuff again ar? or you got cancer arr?”

“No, is about you.”
“I’ve actually planned to tell you this in a few years time, when I can be in SG most of the time, “Xue I like you.” “
“But I’m afraid is too late, your already with someone.”
“I don’t really wish to lose you as a friend.”

I remember I was so emo on that night that, I pm-ed Wooi Quan in RO, and went to mamak to have coffee before msn-ing her.

But actually, the results was rather funny.

She said.
“LOL, don’t make me laugh.”
Saying that yea they were actually just RO couples.

Well I know, that dude himself has a RL gf.
But doesn’t mean that they could still be together right?

So yea there’s also chance though.

I end up, being so stupid to tell it in MSN again. =.=
Because the one who knows, NEVER tell me the real fact.

So what was my real line that I want to say is like this.

“Xue, after today things might change.
But before things change, I would like to say that, I’m really grateful to have you by my side as a friend. Thank you so much for that.
I really do like you, and I wish that I won’t lose you as a friend even if things don’t turn out well.”

I wanted to say it.
But I didn’t.
So she end our conversation telling me,
“Not to worry much, and yea she did say now you can sleep in peace now.”

NEVER in my life, I would ever receive such comforting words tho.

Again… Xue was the first that I know, who knows how to generate many. ^^V
Next chapter I would write about how it went well for a long period of time. Then how it end. =)

Finally the chapters are ending too. lol

———————————————————————

To think about it…
We were close for actually more than 2 years.
I get to know her before my SPM, which is 3 years ago.
It was end of the year, so means its before November.
We started to spend time with each other frequently since December 2007. It ends March 2009.

2 years…
How could it all changed till like this.

To think about it..
She was actually that girl who gets sick often.
I actually fail to convince her how to be healthy.
I also fail to make her to be more healthy.
I don’t know whether she is healthier now or not, I sure do.
But I remember, she told me that her eyes was weak, that it went for operation.
Main concern was her low blood pressure.
Every now and then, when she tells me her story or situation about it,
I always wished I could do something.
But end up, all I can do was just saying a few lines that doesn’t makes her healthier like “Rest more.” =.=
And also…
the most I can do is giving her Iron pills for her low blood pressure on her birthday, hoping that she’ll take it which obviously she won’t.
I wish.. there would be someone who can convince but sadly that person doesn’t exist.

To think about it…
She was that unique girl that I really really like..
That would stands in front of the crowd and say it out loud,
“Hey! I’m different!”
I thought that I actually found someone who actually appreciate uniqueness, but as time goes by, I guess that her is disappearing.
Every since she got into NAFA, she start to be affected greatly on what people would say and would really give up things that are unique that is in her.
That is the girl I truely miss talking to.

To think about it…
I actually spend more good times than bad times with Xue,
but as time goes by if things remain like this.
It will be the other way round. Hahahahah

To think about it…
I don’t know why I so noob, would willing to call her using IDD, and stupidly didn’t really mind that she NEVER call back once at all.
I guess this is the point where she can say we weren’t close at all
I was so noob, accepting that, aiyaa Xue got one style..
Is call the lazy to do all the mafan stuff.. buying IDD just to call me =.=
But nah, I should actually think this way..
If it was for other better guys, I think she will.
But each time I get my IDD, I was really excited to call her..
sometimes call halfway, then IDD finish then I say “You wait arr I go buy IDD first”.
Hah, sohai… I so called close with her, never even ask her am I the only Malaysian who calls her this often?

BUT….. I remember I did ask her…
whether does she mind that I call this often.
She said it was fine, I’m convince so.
Because at that time I still remember, she was the Xue, who was happy go lucky, always ponteng class, sleep late, repeat the word sien very frequent but after we chat she no more say sien liao =D

To think about it…
I also… don’t know when it actually started.
When things started to change.
I couldn’t see.
My sense was blind believing that she IS the Xue that will be a supporting close friend of mine no matter what.
But I just don’t understand when did it actually happen when things started to turn upside down.

To think about it….
the next entry is gonna be… moments of the time where I actually confess my feelings to her, in a sad way.
I actually felt disappointed that I didn’t get a chance to say it confidently out loud, followed by saying..
I know it might be hard to accept, but I wish that no matter what happen you’ll still be there for me.

To think about it….
I’ve been wanting to be in Singapore always since 2 years ago..
which lies only one purpose.. which is for her.
To aim to go Singapore, become a Singaporean,
leaving Malaysia behind where my friends are.. where the foods are..
where the cheaper stuff are… where the traffic jams are..
It was during age 19 where my STPM is already approaching I started to wish that I could get into NUS.

NUS.. siao.
All my friends who got at least 3A’s made it there.
I end up failing Math, resiting Foundation Course.
Which is a real sad sad sad sad sad sad thing.
So that’s why now the moment I see my friends are in NUS, all I could tell myself is.. I only have one final chance to make it.
Not to SG, as for now, since no more Xue, I don’t think Sg is my ideal place.

She’s aiming to be a fashion designer and no need to say, Japan is her main aim.
Surprisingly the field that I’m into, Japan also very hot into it.
Japan so big, I don’t think we will be fated to meet.
So now yea that’s my main aim which is Japan, where I might be IDT General’s a.k.a Mac Chang rival.
But that’s like really LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way to go.
What I meant was not the duration, is the moments of me working hard for it. Xue used to be able to be a boost for me, like how the Hitman Reborn shoot the gun to Tsuna head then got fire.
Now.. bo liao… =D

To think about it…
I myself never expect this.
I thought such thing will never happen.
But it still happens ^^V

I still have a few more stuff to let it out,
that is why the chapter doesn’t end so fast yet.
But each time I can use the comp, instead of blogging or do what should be done, I’ll go into my games instead.

P/S: Online games will greatly remind me of her, as there is where I get to know her. I’m still in touch with online game, so imagine that.

——————————————————————-

She was…

A real supportive friend..
that is why until today I still feel that I’ll lost a real great support.
I just had no idea..
How did we actually became so close then and end up like this.

Our conversation always went right, even not right also end up right,
I remember asking her this, “how come you never show me your not good mood side of yours?”

Then again.. she’ll say.. WE WEREN’T close at all, or maybe she dislike to pick up my phone call.
I had no idea…
How could it be possible to talk to me for a long hours almost every week? If she doesn’t like talking to me on the phone she could always just put down or something..

But our conversation lasted, we always share our stories, our point of view, we use to discuss things and so on.
For almost 2 years. If she dislike it, I guess I was too noob to even realize it =)
Because it was alright for at least a year.

She was good in art as we all know..
and just one fine day, I was talking to her about sketching she gave me one picture to sketch.

It took me one night to finish this.
I was really delighted and so shock that I could actually draw.
It may be a simple picture, but do you ever hear me telling stories about sketching?

After completing, I immediately go and find her and tell her that I’m amazed that I could draw, just like a real jakun.

So why did I went and complete the sketch?
So that can talk to her more about it =D
The only thing I could remember at that time was she said this on msn
“Wow your shadings very nice eh.”

Shadings..
the only technique I know is use ur finger and smudge it.
Zach told me that there is other ways to shade, but until today I still don’t know how.

Getting to know more and more about Xue brings me closer to the world of arts each day..
and I think I’m slowly leaving already.
Is really interesting to hear her telling me how she did her artwork,
and yeaa you only could hear her interested in drawing Jrockers.

I think I did ask her why don’t draw female instead.
The reason I really FORGOT.
I think is either cause female harder to draw, or you know…
Guys would wanna draw girl, and girls would wanna draw guy

——————————————————————-

Guitar and Japanese Class
Besides drawing…
She will always mention to me about how she desire to learn electric guitar.
She told me that her mum doesn’t support her, but don’t know why she allow her to take up Jap class.

The only one thing I learn from her is, how to pronounce Tsu,
Because I was complaining why people can’t pronounce my name properly, and why do japs have difficulties pronouncing english names.
We pronounce Jap words like no problem at all.

Then she told me how that to pronounce this T-S-U is Tse–u
All I heard was what? Shzzzzzzz-u
So I failed to pronounce it, until I check on the internet they taught me try pronouncing Tse Tse Fly.
So yeaa great success!

I remember stories of Japanese classes are, it take place every Sunday.
Errrm.. she likes her teacher really much, there is a guy one there is also a female one.
Her tall guy partner name Cedric.
and.. Jap girl exchange students..
Nothing really much.

I really admire her, what she did was she saved money for her guitar lesson. That is something that I’ll never do.
I remember how she told me how her savings slowly grow and grow.

Well in future she actually saved for guitar.
Damn funny, save then halfway spend then save then end up got ang pao money then buy.

Supposingly, I could somehow feel that someday she’ll share with me her music journey, and yea at least get to hear a few songs from her so that we can discuss about it. Since I’m also playing an instrument too. Yes, Music was our topic too as I sometimes try to figure out chords that are played in the noisy rock song.

So that’s how it was.

Each and every post I publish, after some of you guys read it, surely you guys will go tell her like “Eh Shungz update his blog, he say $%^&&^*&( issit true?” then from there she’ll go like no is not true laa and she might just tell you that it didn’t happen or what so ever.
Just my guess, but I think it has been happening.. but whatever la~
My chapters of happy moment with her are limited, so the moment I finished my chapter already, there won’t be anymore.

To STYX, you can curse me and do whatever things so that I feel hurt and hate you, but before you successfully made me hate you,
let me write it out all here so that these memories will be remembered by others cause I’ve always value it.
I know that all those times, when you were really good and nice to me, it was all genuine.

You were that girl that I know,
whom I even compose a theme song for.
You were that friend whom I know that we could talk on the phone for hours. Even though talking on the phone for hours you could say again.. doesnt mean I know you well and so on.. BUT HEY..
I know that it was mutual that we could talk a lot.
Otherwise how could we actually get to go on our conversation for a year plus?
So you can deny all you want, afterall is all PAST TENSE. ^^
——————————————————————–
Those times… before punkish

So she ended up in RP, which stands for Republic Polytechnic, located at Woodlands.
As she told me the course that she ended up with, I knew she was just accepting unwillingly the course she took, which is Biotech.
She was always the girl who doesn’t like science, had great passion in arts. Yeaa… she is until today will always be remembered as a girl who is good in arts. Double Peace Happiness V^^^^V

So everytime when I call her, eventually our conversation will be about our school life. How her adventures will be, and the one thing that I can never forget is she could bring her laptop and online during class and use MSN.
Another thing I could always remember is…
the word “Sien”.

I’ve asked her on how she would end up in such place.
She said she wanted marketing or something like that in some other poly but couldn’t get it, and she was thrown into a Science course which her grades as she said wasn’t so good.
In Malaysia, typical minded people will always think, good results = science not good results = arts.

So yeaaa.. don’t know how she got in Science right?
She was in that poly for about a year.
It was like a foundation year for her before she get into her major.

So there, I was there to always hear her how sad it was to not to have the course she really wants.
But nevertheless, she sure do made friends in there.
In fact mat7 story with who and who also tell.

One of the moment I could still remember until today was I remember when she was finishing one of her art, I was talking on the phone with her. Then all of the sudden she goes like
“YES!! I FINISH I FINISH!! YAY!!!”

Those was the time where she was hardcore sketching those J-rockers.

Next I could remember was, Lolita, Punk…
those time she was like changing her style into those.
Before that she was the one who always tell me two things.
Make up and mini’s, the double M.

To be honest, I’ve learnt lotsa stuff about make up from her.
Cause I always tell her that Pei Yi doesn’t like make up at all, and she’s the one who always will surely tell me about this word. EYELINER.
Before knowing her, my knowledge of make up is only just lipsticks and those you put at ur cheeks and a lil of the eye shadow. Don’t even know what is foundation, mascara, eye curl and so on…
I still remember I don’t know what is the difference between putting on make ups and without it.

She was the one who actually showed me that you could actually make SO MUCH difference and so much magic with make up ^^V
Still again, no matter what style she wants to change into, it’s always black you’ll get to see.

Anyway, I think I’ll finish up all the entries by this week ba…

During those time when she was bored always, I did for her a theme song.
Well I think such theme song only applicable in a few years time.
When she was bored always thinking what to do, then each time when she found out what she wanna do she’ll just do a bit here and there, and when she found something to do, it’ll be like Mario jumping high to the finish point on top of the flag and slide down. =D
That’s how the song was meant to be.
Now I guess some other will have to do a many times better than this theme song ^^

I remember that was the time I started watching Naruto.
That became an extra topic when we chat…
lolzz coz that time watch too much naruto, get hyper when hear all the theme song for each character.

So here u go, a theme song of Xue a year+ ago

Pause my blog song over there>>>>>>>
if u wan to hear it =D